


When I close my eyes for the last time you're all I see

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Captain America - Freeform, Last words, M/M, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, TW: suicidal talk, depressing af but hes a super soldier he wouldn't die immediatly, some happy flashbacks, steve crash lands the jet into ice, the first avenger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 11:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4562787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>somewhere in between the hours it takes for a serum enhanced body to die Steve composes a final letter in his head. if he wanted to - if he really wanted to he could walk away from this. he could take Peggy dancing and have a promising future someday - he could. if he could see past the gaping hole in his heart.</p><p>***TW: suicidal thoughts***</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I close my eyes for the last time you're all I see

Bucky,

  There's something poetic and artistic about a last letter isn't there? I can't put my finger on it but if you were here you would know or at least you'd tell me I was overthinking things and give me a good shove. The thing is - you're not here. You're somewhere at the bottom of an icy ravine and I'm still here - you're all alone in the frigid cold and darkness without so much as a blanket or a fire to keep you warm and I'm sorry but I can't bury you again. I can't stand there in funeral black and watch as they pile dirt over an empty coffin and lower it into the ground with a marker that bares your name. I'm a coward. No, don't argue with me - I _am_.  I did a rotten thing Buck. I made a promise that I knew I couldn't keep and I did it right before my body collided with snow and ice - ironic that we should die in the same brutal temperature. I promised Peggy (you remember her - think she rubbed you the wrong way when you met) a dance (I know, I know. I'd only end up stepping on her toes) and thing is - she was crying on the other end and I could fix this. I could walk away right now and find her - we could be happy. You'd want that, I know you would. But you know me well enough to know that if I can't give something (or someone) everything that I've got then I won't even bother. I can't give what I don't have and she deserves better than that.

I've loved you my whole life - from the minute you took a scrawny kid under your wing and believed in me. Aside from ma you were the only one who did and look where it got us. You told me not to do anything stupid and what did I do? I lost you. Just like I lost her and God I always hoped I was wrong but as it turns out you're the one who left. I knew you'd leave me someday. Damn you. (yes I'm cursing - don't lecture me) Damn you for not having to sense to tell me to return to hell by myself. Damn you for leaving me - you knew I didn't have another soul left in this world. You were _it._ You _~~are~~ were _ the end of the line for me.

Remember when we were nine and I broke your favorite toy (the little red pick up truck that you carried everywhere - what is it about you and red?) and I apologized a million times over and what did you do? _You_ comforted _me._ You're ridiculous like that - always have been. I owe you a lifetime of apologies that begin and end with  _I'm sorry you met me._ Jesus Christ if you hadn't pulled me out of that alleyway (me with my busted lip and bruised knuckles) we wouldn't be here right now. You'd be alive - living and breathing, warm in someones arms that aren't mine. You might even be happy. I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

On a happier note (happiness is relative - don't give me that look) I wish we had more time the night before you... We spent all night at that bar until our butts went numb and I can't tell you how much it meant to have you back by my side. We talked about the past, about how well we had it before this war and we didn't even realize it. 'member how we lingered even after everyone else had went back to base?  How you looked at me with eyes as dark and stormy as the ocean and I drowned all over again and I didn't want to be saved. I wanted to get lost in those eyes but instead I looked the other way when I should've been looking at you. You made a crack about teaching me how to dance when we got back home because even if I managed to get a dame like Peggy she might not stick around if she found out about my two left feet. I should've taken you up on that - right there in front of everyone and I would have if I could go back. I'd do a million things differently.

 **No.** Ya know what? I've changed my mind - if I could go back and take a right and never have met you...I wouldn't. Not for the world. 

I'm losing track of time Buck. Not sure how long I've been lying here but it feels like the cruelest death and maybe I deserve this (don't argue with me). I took on too much and for once you weren't here to stop me. If you were here you'd give me a stern talking to about going down with the ship, about dying to save someone else because 'Stevie your life matters. It matters to me.'  You told me that when ma died and things went dark all around me. You always kept me tethered to the earth - feet firmly planted on the ground but you're not here to save me this time are you?

I need you to understand that if I were going to walk away from this life I wanted to go out knowing I could help others - I could save Brooklyn, Buck. There were bombs on that jet headed straight for innocent people - families, elderly... _people._ I couldn't have that happen and the timing couldn't be more perfect. Less than a week after ~~I lost you~~ you left. Funny how well that one worked out. My death meant they didn't have to die. Even if I couldn't save you I  _could_ save them. That meant  _something._ Can you understand that? 

Can't really move my fingers or toes anymore but I got my shield here - reminds me of you and Peggy. I tend to group the two of you together in my mind and I guess it's because shes so much like you. She shot my shield - can you believe that? And then you (taking all the stupid with you) tried to protect me one more time by using it. It's only right that I take it down with me. It's the last piece of you & her that I have left and odd as it sounds it comforts me. Got her picture in a compass too - she looks real pretty in it. Would've carried one of you but we never got around to that did we? You were always going one direction and I was going the other. I tried to sketch you when I was traveling but I kept getting interrupted so I gave up. I'm telling you - if anyone comes across that sketch book after I'm gone they'll be really confused - dancing monkey on one page and half of your face on the other. You'd like that. 

I'm going to close my eyes now and I might dream of you. You're not allowed to roll your eyes at that.

I miss you something awful and if there's life after this I think I'll miss you for the rest of it. 

      Your best pal,

              Steve                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

**Author's Note:**

> massive apologies for this sapping pile of feelings and sadness. I have a lot of thoughts about Steve and the way he went down and given the fact that it came so soon after losing Bucky and spent what appeared to be hours - maybe days bawling his eyes out in an area that had been bombed once before and could easily be again - he wasn't even supposed to be out there - it tends to look a certain way. 
> 
> (thank you for reading and please accept my hugs and a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies to chase away the blues)


End file.
